Make me understand
by A Fandom Lover
Summary: Once they get back, Dean tries to talk to him, but they have a spell to perform and they have to rescue Sammy. "Now it's not a good time. We… We'll talk when we get to the bunker. After we rescue Sam".


[Before returning to their world]

"Okay, Cas, I need to say something."

"You don't have to say it. I heard your prayer."

They look at each other for a few seconds until they realise they have less than 2 minutes to get back. Cas turns and starts walking towards the portal. Dean stays behind for a second, regarding Cas with a puzzled look.

: * : * : * :

Once they get back, Dean tries to talk to him, but they have a spell to perform and they have to rescue Sammy.

"Cas-"

"Dean, we have a spell to do."

"I-"

Cas gives him a serious look that shuts him up and they go to work.

: * : * : * :

They are in the Impala. It's been an hour in complete silence and Dean can't take it anymore.

"Cas."

"Yes, Dean?"

"I- You-"

"Dean, it's fine. I told you, I heard your prayer. You don't have to say anything."

Dean hates how Cas has just given up on them. He had hoped that, after his prayer and their short talk in Purgatory, they would be fine but now he realises that it won't be that easy.

"Cas, man. We need to talk about this. What I said… My prayer… I need to know you understand."

"I understand, Dean."

"Then why does it seem like you're still mad at me?"

Cas sighs and looks out of the window before speaking again.

"Now it's not a good time. We… We'll talk when we get to the bunker. After we rescue Sam."

Dean knows he's right, but he really wants to fix things between them.

"Okay, after we rescue Sammy."

: * : * : * :

After Sam turns in for the night, Dean and Cas stay in the kitchen for a while. Cas tells Dean about the djinn he killed the other day and Dean listens with a smile on his face.

"That's awesome, man. Last time I faced a djinn… I got trapped", he takes a sip of his beer, "hm, what would you have dreamed if you'd gotten caught?"

"I don't know."

"Come on, dude, you must know."

"I don't want to talk about it."

Dean looks down. He hates that Cas won't talk to him. Not like he used to. He misses it, misses him.

They stay in silence for a few minutes, until Dean decides to bring up the elephant in the room.

"Okay. I need to say this, Cas. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about… everything. I took it all out on you, and it's not fair. I know that. I just… This anger… I can't control it. I don't-"

"I heard your prayer. I understand what you said", Dean smiles at that, "but it still hurts."

Dean starts to apologize again, but Cas cuts him off.

"I tried to reach out to you for days. I apologised and you ignored me. You sent me to Hell with that… abomination, as if you couldn't care less what could happen to me, only to get mad at me when I had to kill a demon wearing my son's corpse."

Cas has tears in his eyes, but he won't let them fall. Dean doesn't know what to say.

"And then, when I tried to talk to you one last time, you blamed me for basically everything that's gone wrong in your life. And still, you dare to get mad because I left. What did you expect me to do? I couldn't stand being your punching bag anymore!"

Cas is now breathing heavily and Dean still doesn't know what to say. He knows he fucked up big time.

"Cas…"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to explode like that"

"No, no. It's… It's okay. You need this. Let it all out. I deserve it. Just… Just let it out."

"Dean, I don't think…"

"I'm serious. You always let me lash out at you. Now it's your turn. It might be therapeutic."

Cas looks at Dean with doubt but he thinks that maybe Dean is right. Maybe it will be good for them. For their relationship.

"Well… You-"

Cas can't do this if he's looking at Dean, so he looks down at a spot on the table.

"I don't think you realise what you mean to me. I have no one, literally no one, besides you and Sam. Everyone I know is dead or I know through you. The only one I have is Claire and she still finds it awkward that I'm using his father as a vessel. So… if I lose you… I'm alone."

"You're not losing me, Cas. I'm still alive and kicking."

"I feel like I lose you when you push me away. Every time I start to believe that maybe I really belong here, with you… then something goes wrong and you lash out at me."

Cas looks at him and Dean has difficulties finding his voice. When he can finally talk, he speaks in a quiet voice.

"I don't… I don't know what to say. You're right. I know you are but… I mean, I have told you how important you are to me. I must have… I'm sure I… There's no way I didn't…"

By now it seems like Dean is talking more to himself than to Cas.

"I know, Dean. But I feel like it was always in the middle of a world-ending crisis, never because you wanted to tell me. It was basically forced out of you. And you've pushed me away so many times…"

All Dean can feel about is how hopeless he felt in Purgatory, when he thought he'd lost Cas. The moment he saw the clock indicating two minutes left to get to the portal he felt like his world was crushing down. He couldn't abandon Cas in Purgatory… again! He needed to make him see how much he… how important he is to him.

"What are you talking about? What about Purgatory?", Dean says.

"Well, yes. That was… It was… special, but that was years ago."

Dean doesn't understand how he can have missed that. How he didn't see how much Cas was suffering because of him. Because of his inability to express his feelings.

"Cas…"

"Dean, it's okay. I know you don't like to talk about these things", he says as he takes a sip of his beer.

"No, Cas, it's not okay. I'm sick of pushing down my feelings. You- You deserve to know."

"Know what?", Cas sighs.

Dean raises his eyes until they are looking into each other's eyes and slowly takes Cas' hand in his.

"You need to know how…", he sighs, "how I feel. How I feel about you."

Cas looks at him with guarded eyes, as if he is afraid of getting hurt again.

"I- When- I can't lose you. Today, when I couldn't find you in Purgatory… It brought back memories. I'm not sure I could have left you behind… not again. Last time almost broke me. You say I don't show you how much I want you here, but you don't see me when you're gone. When you- when you died… It- It broke me."

Dean feels tears in his eyes and he feels his throat closing up, but he has to tell him. Cas squeezes his hand and moves closer.

"Dean… I didn't- You never told me", Cas says in a quiet voice.

"Yeah, I just… I felt awful. I felt guilty about how I treated Jack. I couldn't even look at him without getting angry. All I could see was you- you laying on the ground with… with your w- your- wings… your wings burnt on the floor."

By now Dean is practically sobbing and he can't control it. Cas cleans the tears from his face and brings him in for a hug.

"Dean, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not! It's not okay! You died, Cas. You died and I… I wanted to die with you. Hell, I basically did."

"What do you mean you _basically did_?"

"I- I didn't mean to say it like that. It came out wrong", he says panicking. He didn't mean to tell Cas about that.

"Dean, please, tell me."

Dean can still feel tears running down his face but, as he looks at Cas' eyes, he knows he needs to tell him, even though he'll probably be disappointed at his weakness. Why did he thought talking about this was good? He doesn't want to relive all of that, he-

Cas knows, of course he knows, that Dean is starting to spiral, so he puts a hand on his forearm to reassure him that it's okay, that he can tell him anything.

"I- I couldn't… cope with your- with you being gone. Sam kept trying to help, being nice and letting me do all these things I do that I know annoy him so much. But it didn't matter 'cause you were gone. I was so angry, so fucking angry, and all I could do was try to drink my pain away. So, when I- Sam and I were on a case… some ghosts terrorising kids and we couldn't find them so I… it was for the case, at least that's what I told Sam… so I ki- killed myself", Dean lowers his head in shame.

"I didn't even say goodbye to Sammy, I just… I gave him the kit and told him bring me back. And then I saw Billie, and she knew, she knew I didn't want to come back, but she said it wasn't my time, that we had work to do."

Cas doesn't know what to say. He's angry. How could Dean be so self-destructive? But, on the other hand, in some twisted way, it shows how much he cares about him, right?

"That was the day you came back. Sam went off at me for killing myself like that and I told him that I just needed a win and… you were, you were my win."

Dean buries his face in his neck and holds him tighter. After a while, he manages to control his tears and leans back so he can look at Cas.

"I need you to understand that you're… You're my rock, Cas. Every time you d- die… I feel like a lose a part of myself. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I made you feel like I didn't care. I'm sorry I made you leave. I'm sorry for blaming you for… everything."

He buries his face on his neck again and he can just break down.

"Please, please, don't leave again. I don't- I'm not sure I can survive it. I'll do anything. I'll behave just, please, stay. Stay. Stay. Stay with me. Please. Please-"

"Dean. Dean! Breathe! Calm down. You're hyperventilating. Breathe with me. In… out… in… out..."

Dean does as he's told and he can feel his breathing starting to calm down and Cas gets up to bring him a glass of water. Dean follows him with his eyes, making sure that he's not leaving.

They sit in silence going over everything that was said. Cas never thought he would see Dean being so open and Dean… he can't believe he could be so stupid.

"Wow! I didn't see that coming. I didn't expect to go off like that. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's the most honest we've ever been with each other. This is good. This is good for us."

_This is good for us_. Dean immediately remembers Cas telling him they are… were real. _We are_. He's not so sure there's an _us_ anymore.

"Cas… As we are all about being honest… I- When you said… when you say _we_ were real… What did you mean?"

Cas stares at him, taken by surprise and trying to figure out what he should tell him.

"Well, I meant that…", he starts to squirm and tries to think of something to say.

Dean can see Cas' hesitation in his eyes. _So much to being honest_. Well, he can't leave it unsaid anymore, he can't let him leave him feeling unwanted again.

"Cas…", Dean says as he lifts his hand to hold Cas' face, "you know… well, I guess you don't, given our conversation. But… I- I love you. I've loved you for so long, I don't even remember a time when I didn't."

Cas is taken aback by Dean's blunt confession. He stares at him and can see he's being honest.

"I know I fucked up. And maybe it's too late but I just… I felt like you needed to know. I wanted you to know."

"Dean…"

"And I know that you probably don't feel the same and that you hate me right now just, please, don't- don't leave again. Let's forget I said anything, we'll just-"

"Dean, shut up!"

Dean stops talking and looks at Cas with wide eyes, afraid of the rejection he's sure is coming.

"I swear, you are the most frustrating man I've ever known. You're so… you're just so frustrating."

He breaths deeply and continues.

"How can you… How can you doubt I feel the same? I told you. I told you I loved you, in the barn, remember?"

"But you were dying… You just wanted us to know you cared about us."

"No, Dean. I wanted _you_ to know I loved you", he sighs, "See? This is what I meant about only admitting our feelings when we're about to die. There're always misunderstandings. There's never time enough to explain-"

_I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you._

_Dean and I do share a more profound bond._

_I'll watch over you._

_I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You._

_I always come when you call_

_I'll find some way to redeem myself to you._

_I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them to keep them away from you._

_I'll go with you._

_I love you._

_We are._

Dean thinks of all the times Cas has showed him he loved him and he was too stupid to understand.

"Cas… All this time… You- You've been telling me, showing me, for years and I just… I was too much of a dumbass to understand."

He cups Cas' face and wipes away the tears that fall from his eyes.

"I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry it took me this long to understand. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so m-"

Cas crushes their lips together and, at first, Dean is too shocked to respond but then, Cas brushes his tongue over his lip and he sighs and opens up for Cas. They kiss for a while, hands touching wherever they can reach, legal and arms tangled so they can get as close as possible. That is, until they hear Sam clearing his throat from the door.

"Took you idiots long enough", he says shaking his head.

Dean blushes, but he doesn't move away from Cas.

"Shut up, Sammy."


End file.
